February 24, 2011 || 8:23pm
Now, now. The title has been the condition of my being ever since I started discerning. Translate? Ang gulo-gulo.
This is about my new family in somewhere-you-know and myself. Again. Of course, I have the right to write about my sentiments here.
The past year has been very overwhelming. I've done things that I never thought I could do, and I've not done things that I thought I could always do. Let's focus on the second. I'll have to reserve the first for an HP-inspired blog post. By the way, I'm already on Chapter 30: The Pensieve. Just sayin'.
Sooo, yes, the things that I was not able to do. I have changed, as I say over and over again but once in a while, I stop and think if the changes actually contributed to my moral and spiritual development. And sometimes, I just become so emo and think that most of them didn't. Well, really; today is one.
When someone asked everyone to close their eyes and raise their hands if they think that they are qualified for something. Yes, if you know me in school, you probably know what that was. It was the longest time that I've been very confused about what my role really is in that family.
Now, people from another wonderful place in my life have witnessed the other side of me. I wouldn't say it was better than this, well, 'cause I was actually a lot more selfish, bossy, and ambitious. I was dominant and I feared no one, even teachers' perceptions of me. I didn't care. As long as I see that everyone in my class is okay and living their lives to the fullest because of things that we have done together as a family, my every day is complete. I once thought that my life was dedicated to people. I used to think that I was born as a leader. I never thought it was going to be changed, until today.
And yes, who am I here? Maybe she was right. Maybe I am a pushover. I made myself known to everyone as that. But not the influence part. I've still been very uptight as I was. Yes, a pushover, someone who is easilt taken advantage of. I don't know why and I won't say it's misunderstood kindness and generosity. It was different. It was kindness because of the development that I was trying to see in myself. But no, it totally gave me a whole new ego as this gutless damsel-in-distress.
Yes, I know that people find me weak because of being too kind and forgiving. They tell me that. They say that I'm usually unable to fight for what I really know and believe in. Yes. I am guilty of that. I stop myself when the conversation or argument is heating up and the other person, if not annoyed, already volumes up her voice. My life is like that. And sometimes, even though I am very pleased with this progress, I hate the person that they see me as.
A real-life example; a person who's actually younger than me can silence my very beautiful thoughts into my brain with just one bratty question; WHY. Yes, I always said to my friends before that I never answer "Just because" when people ask me why. And when she asks me why, (I'm sorry for the rants) I find it normal for me to answer the thing that I never thought I would answer because she finds my thoughts ridiculous and fugly because they're out of the world. She thinks it's fun to slap my own mistakes, shortcomings, and insuffeciencies on my face and make sure that she turns out the better one. I never fought and I never thought that I wanted to until today.
But no matter what I do, this is the image that I have allowed myself to possess. This is how they know me. Let's just say that the leader, the bubbly and witty person, the one who is never afraid to say what she thinks, the Christine that everyone once knew, can never be unleashed in AA unless I finally break out of the shell that CJ has been enclosed in.
I thought my life was limited before, like my world is so small. And now, I couldn't imagine it getting any bigger than it was before. I am now in a very sheltered cave, away from many negatives in the world. But I know that my life can never be complete until I finally go back to who I was and at the same time, keep the wisdom and the progress that I currently am trying to sustain.
I can only live up to one promise; I shall only lead the life that the Father wants me to live. I know not of my own limitations and abilities and it is only Him who knows what is best for me. I will try my very best to be His servant and the people's as well. And I don't need to hold a position or be the most popular person in order to make that happen. Again, I end this with God is with me.
Now, now. The title has been the condition of my being ever since I started discerning. Translate? Ang gulo-gulo.
This is about my new family in somewhere-you-know and myself. Again. Of course, I have the right to write about my sentiments here.
The past year has been very overwhelming. I've done things that I never thought I could do, and I've not done things that I thought I could always do. Let's focus on the second. I'll have to reserve the first for an HP-inspired blog post. By the way, I'm already on Chapter 30: The Pensieve. Just sayin'.
Sooo, yes, the things that I was not able to do. I have changed, as I say over and over again but once in a while, I stop and think if the changes actually contributed to my moral and spiritual development. And sometimes, I just become so emo and think that most of them didn't. Well, really; today is one.
When someone asked everyone to close their eyes and raise their hands if they think that they are qualified for something. Yes, if you know me in school, you probably know what that was. It was the longest time that I've been very confused about what my role really is in that family.
Now, people from another wonderful place in my life have witnessed the other side of me. I wouldn't say it was better than this, well, 'cause I was actually a lot more selfish, bossy, and ambitious. I was dominant and I feared no one, even teachers' perceptions of me. I didn't care. As long as I see that everyone in my class is okay and living their lives to the fullest because of things that we have done together as a family, my every day is complete. I once thought that my life was dedicated to people. I used to think that I was born as a leader. I never thought it was going to be changed, until today.
And yes, who am I here? Maybe she was right. Maybe I am a pushover. I made myself known to everyone as that. But not the influence part. I've still been very uptight as I was. Yes, a pushover, someone who is easilt taken advantage of. I don't know why and I won't say it's misunderstood kindness and generosity. It was different. It was kindness because of the development that I was trying to see in myself. But no, it totally gave me a whole new ego as this gutless damsel-in-distress.
Yes, I know that people find me weak because of being too kind and forgiving. They tell me that. They say that I'm usually unable to fight for what I really know and believe in. Yes. I am guilty of that. I stop myself when the conversation or argument is heating up and the other person, if not annoyed, already volumes up her voice. My life is like that. And sometimes, even though I am very pleased with this progress, I hate the person that they see me as.
A real-life example; a person who's actually younger than me can silence my very beautiful thoughts into my brain with just one bratty question; WHY. Yes, I always said to my friends before that I never answer "Just because" when people ask me why. And when she asks me why, (I'm sorry for the rants) I find it normal for me to answer the thing that I never thought I would answer because she finds my thoughts ridiculous and fugly because they're out of the world. She thinks it's fun to slap my own mistakes, shortcomings, and insuffeciencies on my face and make sure that she turns out the better one. I never fought and I never thought that I wanted to until today.
But no matter what I do, this is the image that I have allowed myself to possess. This is how they know me. Let's just say that the leader, the bubbly and witty person, the one who is never afraid to say what she thinks, the Christine that everyone once knew, can never be unleashed in AA unless I finally break out of the shell that CJ has been enclosed in.
I thought my life was limited before, like my world is so small. And now, I couldn't imagine it getting any bigger than it was before. I am now in a very sheltered cave, away from many negatives in the world. But I know that my life can never be complete until I finally go back to who I was and at the same time, keep the wisdom and the progress that I currently am trying to sustain.
I can only live up to one promise; I shall only lead the life that the Father wants me to live. I know not of my own limitations and abilities and it is only Him who knows what is best for me. I will try my very best to be His servant and the people's as well. And I don't need to hold a position or be the most popular person in order to make that happen. Again, I end this with God is with me.
“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”
-Rosanne Cash
-iamastranger-
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