Prisonbreak

 January 7, 2011 || 10:09pm

Do I look like I can break school rules on purpose?

Look at me and tell me if I do. Give me proof, and we're cool. But for someone to say, "Ah, 'yan si ..., pwede na rin 'yan.", I can't help but feel offended. She meant that I am CAPABLE of breaking such rules on purpose. What in the world did I do to make her say that?

We unintentionally broke an "off-limits" rule earlier today and if that was enough to make her say that, then maybe all of us got to hear the same thing from her. But no. She told, me, another new student, and one more person that she can actually believe that we can loiter and not the people who were with us.

What was that all about?

She was one of my most favorite people. She knew that, presumably. But what she was outside of where I actually see her often does not make me define her as her. What I see that is her is what I believe that she really is. I don't make up my own mindset that this person has this certain adherence to rules while this person does not. That is just insane. After all, I've been nothing but a good girl. In front of her and even when she's not looking. I don't have to tell her that every move I make is lawful and good. 

I'm not perfect. It's very cliche but I try hard to not let my imperfections show through. She's one of the people I try hard to impress. It's hard and I thought that I've been doing good lately. But after what she said about me, I'll still be very civil and respectful when I interact with her but how we look at her will never be the same. 

I might be the most awkward, awfully stuttering, and extremely clumsy teenager she's ever met, but that doesn't make me deserving of all that she said. Those words stabbed right into my mind and heart. Knowing that she was the one who said those was more painful than someone saying something worse.

She'll never see me flashing smiles at her again. Naturally, that is. I'll be fighting a hard inner battle before I finally treat her even just closely to how I did before. I'm a big emotional person and when she says something again, if I can't fight, I might cry. You know, the smiles were very real, very genuine. Those were trying to say that I'm actually trying to thank her because my life is slowly being formed under her and all of the other people's guidance. Letting me know that someone appreciates the effort is far more gratifying than getting a 100% in any PT or exam.

I'm not trying to convince her that I'm one of her most intelligent and well-behaved students. It's just not worth wasting my time on. It's far more than that. I actually want her to see how I've been doing; from an awkward teen to a matured and confident woman. I think I'm still very far from the finish line, but I know that somehow, I'll get there... even if I don't go first. I don't want to be laughed at for my lack of words anymore. I don't want to be tripping over stuff and unconsciously making people trip too. I'm tired of losing all the trust I have in myself because that's one of the only few things I have left. 

She may not see what I have in here that other people can never have but I definitely won't try to show her that anymore. It's to be shown to people who I know see what I'm truly worth and what I really value.

My feelings can be typed in a very long blog post but I won't keep it as long. I still have an awesome book to read to cheer me up. And so, I shall end this. Let's try to go on, can we?

This has turned into a very sentimental topic that it brought me to tears but I think I've learned a few very practically important things from this experience. First, not all bad experiences make you stronger in the end. Even though all is well and solved, a scar still remains somewhere. And that will slowly make you weaker, even if you try to put that mask as the strongest and bravest person in the world. And second, things are not always as good as they seem. Not everything is a fairytale where you always become that victorious princess in the end. There are certain situations that can make you less than a princess. You may not be that perfect little princess that you've always wanted to be, but at least you know you're that woman who's gone through a lot of experience, reaching milestones too far for a princess to achieve, and being a servant and a blessing of God to the people, the Earth, and the person you are who He has given you to love and care for.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; 

remember that what you now have 

was once among the things you only hoped for.”

-Epicurus, Greek philosopher

-forwhatitsworth-