Conformity

Do we conform or compromise with the expectations of ourselves and of others?

When you first gave us the EQs, I thought #1 would be the most interesting to answer. Turns out, it was #2, because with this, I had to look deeper into myself and back at what led to whatever my answer would be. And unexpectedly, it wasn't just answering a question. It became quite an experience.

I had these two pages that were already filled with answers that were mostly just complaints on how individuality is limited in our society and how I came to cope with those limitations. But when I tried to read again what I wrote, I knew it was lacking in a major aspect - I didn't see myself in it. There was my mind, my beliefs and opinions, but there wasn't any part of it that was really me. After being frustrated because I didn't know how to put heart into my answer, I typed in the following words to release what I was feeling: "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE WRITING? THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO SAY. I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THE PLEASING PHASE. KNOW THYSELF AND TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE."

And so I was roused. My mind was awakened from its deep contemplation of what Miss would say if I wrote this and that. I backspaced until what was left on my MS Word window was the blinking cursor, the margins, and a blank page that I had to fill all over again. I found the right path to take, but I didn't know how to walk on it. It was as if I didn't know how to perform without the standards and the expectations.

That was when I discovered that unfortunately, I was a conformist. I had denied it all my life because that is one part of my person that I did not want to see, and now, I knew that I had to look at it if I want to tell the truth. As I was trying to list in my mind the times when I conformed and weighed them with the times that I didn't, I saw that it was impossible to prove that I was leaning more towards nonconformity. People can never describe me without weird and independent, but deep inside, somewhere inside this person is dependent and wanting to meet what is accepted. That was some intense five minutes of self-discovery. But still, I didn't know how to answer the question. I would have answered: "I conform," but then that's it. So I decided to fill my empty tank of zeal by re-reading Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl.

I've already read half of it before, but at that time, I didn't really appreciate it, because it was during one of my reading-for-the-sake-of-reading days when I didn't have much enthusiasm and my head was buzzing with a lot of thoughts and worries. So I picked it up again and read from the beginning. It was getting quite late when I decided to, but I found my hands stuck to it as I read. It was like seeing it in a light so different from what it was three months ago. I think it's because of the whirlwind that my life had been in. But I didn't expect such a big change in perspective. A few months ago, Stargirl Caraway didn't appeal to me much, but now, the way Leo Borlock saw Stargirl was the same in my mind;

She was elusive.  She was today.  She was tomorrow.  She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl.  We did not know what to make of her.  In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew. (p. 15)

With Mica's reputation of not being a "hotbed for nonconformity", Leo knew that Stargirl could never fit in, and even when the students did adore her for a month or so, the adulation wore away and the treatment became even worse after. And it's all because of one reason - she was different. A nonconformist. She was something - or someone, rather - that none of them could describe or label because they were not used to seeing a person like her. She was unlike everyone else, but she was actually more natural and pure than any of them - and of us.

I finished the book in less than four hours. Now that's a record, because I usually finish books in two days to two years. And I loved Stargirl. As much as I would want to describe my reaction to the novel in detail, I think I have limited space so I think it's enough to say that I loved it.

One of the greatest and most powerful reasons, I later discovered, was because I was once a Stargirl.

[Let me tell you this short (I hope) story about what happened that somehow led me to who I am now]

Before AA, there was a school I stayed in for three months. Three months, because I had to finish the school year somewhere if I didn't want to repeat First Year. It was the only school that accepted students like us who entered when the school year was nearly over. I was optimistic about the new school and how it would be when we were already in the school.

And so came the time when we were already there. It was not like any other first day of school, mainly because we were the only new students and everyone else was well-acquainted with each other. What I didn't expect was the ambush wherein everyone from my class surrounded me in the cafeteria, overwhelming with curiosity about who I am, where I came from, and why I decided to transfer. They were so friendly and warm, that I felt like I really could belong, and so I didn't even try to fit in, because in my mind, they already welcomed me.

As I said, I was a Stargirl. It was less different than her, but for them, it was weird. It was me to smile everywhere you see me. It was me to greet you Happy Birthday when someone mentions it. It was me to sport a large colorful bag to school with lots of things I probably won't need. It was me to ask so many questions in class. It was me to be friends with everyone and not stick with best friends.It was me to not have a cell phone and a Facebook account by choice. It was me to talk to who I want to talk to, may it be a Senior or someone from another class. It was me to act on stage and be confident about my opinions and beliefs. It was me to laugh so loudly when someone makes a joke. It was me to stay quiet when someone makes a harsh comment. It was me to shush people when we needed to be quiet. It was me to talk about anything under the sun for hours. It was me to suddenly sit quiet in a corner to meditate on things. It was me to raise my hand right away when I knew the answer. It was me to think and talk about life. It was me to cheer people up when they feel so down. It was me to jump on people to ask them how their day was. It was me to be happy and to make people happy wherever I went. It was me. That was Christine.

Until the shunning came. I recently realized that I've been using the wrong term for what happened. I've told people I was bullied, but I wasn't. I was shunned. At first, it didn't bother me. I still did the things I usually did and I was still me. I noticed it, but in my mind, the only line that was running was all things pass. At first, it was only their stares when I walked around with two friends. Then, it was their quieted voices when I came round. When I came to them to ask them how their day was, they would look at each other, force a faint smile and tell me that they're okay. Until it became worse Most of my friends started to distance themselves from me and only two stayed. I came to school and left school as if I wasn't even there. No one talked to me except my two friends, but they too started to be anxious about how people acted.

There did come a day when I started to feel the shunning. During our Homeroom period, our teacher opened a book, ABNKKBSANPLAKO, by Bob Ong and read to us an article about the different types of students. The class raved with names and predictions as each type was read by our teacher. I was paying so much attention because my older brother used to be a fan of Bob Ong, and this was something worth telling him. Then my teacher came to Weirdos. That moment is one I can never forget. While she was reading the description with pauses, she came to "black sheep ng klase", one classmate shouted, "si Christine!" The whole class became silent at once with most eyes on me, but some were looking away, suppressing a chuckle. My teacher started to ask, "'O?" And that was when everyone went back to not seeing me. When the bell was rang for lunch time, I thought it was going to be the same old routine. But my two friends pulled me to a table with my other former close friends, and they told me the same things Leo told Stargirl;

"Stargirl, you just can't do things the way you do.You can't just wake up in the morning and say you don't care what the rest of the world thinks." I said a person belongs to a group, you can't belong to everyone.  I said you have to respect other people's privacy, there's such a thing as not being welcome. This group thing, I said, it's very strong. It's probably an instinct... The point is, in a group everybody acts pretty much the same, that's kind of how the group holds itself together.  I think you should try to be more like the rest of us. Because nobody likes you, I said. That's why. Nobody likes you. We're talking about them. Them. If it was up to me, I wouldn't change a thing. You're fine with me the way you are. But we're not alone, are we? We live in a world of them, like it or not. (pp. 169-172)

After everything they said, I was near tears, but they were waiting for an answer. So I told them I'll try.  And so I did. From that day onwards, Christine was gone. No, I did not change my name. Not yet. But I decided to be quieter, more passive, less blithe - in other words, more normal. I had my old friends back, but for the most part, it didn't change a thing. The school year ended on that note, with great hopes of everything being okay again if I do get into AA.

But before AA, there was another crowd. In the summer before my Sophomore year, I enrolled in a theatre class, and that was the true test of whether conformity would make me fit in. It was an entirely different environment, with talented and confident people, and it was also when I had the first butterflies fluttering in my stomach. First day: my teacher asked me if I could be called CJ because there already was a Christine in our class. I didn't even try to say no, or suggest my other nickname. I just said okay. And then CJ was born. I knew that I really had to be careful with how I acted. Every conversation was trial-and-error because I can't really predict what their reactions would be, so I played on the safe side. And it went okay. And by okay, I mean the not-the-greatest-most-memorable-but-nothing-bad-happened kind of okay. I was satisfied with that kind. It was enough because it gained me a couple of friends and memories of an okay summer.

That made me lock my mind to three things. (1) Conformity is equal to security; (2) to be accepted, you have to be the one to yield; and (3) the safe side is the best bet.

End of story.

It doesn't end there, though. I carried those three things when I went to AA. I became CJ full-time, leaving only a memory of Christine behind. Up to now, I'm still CJ - not just by name, but by person. I was a conformist, because I had to stay on the safe side to be accepted. The only things that kept me doing good in requirements were the standards and the expectations because at least I knew what was exactly needed. Even compromising was a risky road that was outside the borderlines of safety. It was not exactly being like everyone else, but being what I thought everybody else would want me to be - that is, less me. Pleasing people became not just an activity, but a lifestyle, because it was only by meeting their expectations that I felt worthy of belonging and being accepted.

I found my comfort zone through conformity. And I planned to keep it using conformity. For some time, I convinced myself that I was happy with conforming because at least, it kept me safe (and sane). But this year was particularly perplexing because I felt a persisting desire to know who I am. And that search was only complicated by hustling for worthiness. I linked my self-worth and my identity to my security blanket. My greatest fears were connected to having Freshman Year: The Sequel. You remember when I told you I was so afraid of a lot of things? Yes, I was so afraid of so many things - being myself, included, because that would mean that everything would soon be falling apart. I didn't want to be called different anymore because of what I was afraid of. I wanted to be exactly like what would keep the bond strong by conforming, and so I struggled not just with the acceptance of others, but also with my own acceptance of the things that aren't me, those that I cannot do, and having the sense of peace that whatever I am and can do are enough.

Conformity was what kept me safe interpersonally. But it was also conformity that dispirited me intrapersonally. Three weeks ago, I reached my breaking point when I finally admitted that I was so tired of how things are and I've had enough of conforming and pleasing. I gave up, and tried to fix myself but I didn't know where to start. Without expectations to conform to, who am I? Then I found what I was missing all along - Someone who will accept and love me for anything and everything that I am and am not, Someone who I don't need to do much to please, Someone who knew Christine and CJ and knows what He really created me to be, Someone who will be there when I need Him, and Someone who has promised me with His plan for me, telling me that I was not meant to be stuck in this labyrinth if only I accept Him.

Over the break, I read something that reminded me of what I should be (and of answering the EQs):

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

That was when I decided that it was time to let go of the pleasing phase. It was time to surrender, and to be real, because there's this tiny voice inside my mind that tells me that there is a person that I am that is not the conformist, but I still don't know who that person is. I feel like not knowing myself again, but now, I feel as if I’m joyfully approaching that uncertainty, feeling that every moment that I discover something about myself is worth celebrating, because at least, I’m already living my life as my own person. I can't say that because I am being remade, I'm not afraid of anything. I still have my fears, but knowing that Someone will make everything work out fine in the end; and that He will carry these burdens with me and help cast them off with me when I'm ready made me less afraid of them. I'm now willing to be that person because like Stargirl, if I try not to conform to what the world expects of me and just be myself, who knows what lasting impact I may leave in the world? I might not see it now, but I know that God created me to serve a purpose in other people's lives, and I cannot fulfill that unless I finally accept that whatever He has given me to be myself is enough and is worthy of something greater than I could ever see from this point in my life.