Remade

This song just changed my life. It may seem so easy for my life to be changed by the things I come across, but trust me, this song is one of those which really moved me and shook me from my life of fear and inaction because it illustrated the path that I've been walking on for the past month.


The writings on that blackboard are things that I felt at some point in my life - this year, especially. They are the things that I would want to surrender to God, so I may never feel, ask, or do them again.

There's a girl in the corner

With tear-stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love"

I'm that girl in the corner. I'm the wanderer - the lonely empty soul who always felt as if something was missing. I've searched far and wide, within me and with other people, yet everything that they could give me and all that I've tried to give myself still weren't enough. I was too broken and jaded to feel anything but anger at myself, at other people, and I'm sorry but at God, at one point, even; fear of so many things; envy because I could not see why things are happening; and extreme emptiness because nothing or no one was ever able to suffice. I tried to save myself, and as I was slowly realizing the depth of my fall, I asked exactly the same question and said the same things... "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love." 


I actually came to that point when I felt as if I could never return to God's grace, that my spirit was too severed to be restored. I even felt unworthy of talking to Him because knowing everything that I've done against His will, I was just so certain that I was. There was one time wherein I actually felt so angry at Him and myself because I couldn't hear His voice at all. That was when I reached my breaking point, and I felt so alone, and even the people that I held on to for security were slowly drifting away from that aegis status because I was already lacking something they couldn't provide. I've fallen too far to love. 

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try  

I tried so hard. I spent two weeks trying to prove to myself, to God, and to her, that I'm fixed, that I'm all right, and that with God, I feel complete. But that was the hypocrisy that's in there - even in that profound resolution, I was still trying to prove something. I knew deep inside, that I was trying to shroud this still empty spirit with the veil of almost automatic conversion. But I still couldn't hear God's voice. I set quiet time for me and Him, I tried to go back to my Bible habits, and I seemed to be so ready to prove to everyone that I'm back to being God's loving daughter, but I didn't, because I know that what's still missing is what's between me and my God. I still felt the envy, the anger, the low self-worth, the blame, and the despair when things don't go the way they were supposed to in my book.


What seemed to be louder than God's voice was the voice that often told me I was unworthy and inadequate, that I could live without the things or people that I'm attached to, and that the whole of my being can be defined by my attachment and what I am led to doing and thinking because of it. But outwardly, I was good enough an actor to convince everyone, even myself, that I was already happy, that I was converted instantly. But my spirit can blatantly declare in my mind that I still did not believe that I've been given new life. I still felt as if I had to do everything to make myself feel happy and secure. I still didn't feel the desire to let go and let God take full control. That awful feeling carried on until the Vigil, when I was finally spoken to by God.

But don't you know who you are?

What's been done for you?

Yeah, don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

I won't describe how it happened anymore, but what I can probably describe and what is still alive is what I felt when it happened. It was in that quiet moment wherein nothing mattered but me and my God. It was in that moment when I didn't even think of possibly burning my hair because we were lying facedown with the candles in their places. It was in that moment when the stillness and the peace allowed me to surrender - to let go completely. I didn't have any words to tell Him, except I love you, and I want you back in my life. Even though I was trying to come up with something nice and long to tell Him, all that came out were those words. And that was when I finally heard His message: I'm here, forever, I'll be by your side. I will lead the way. Just let go, and trust me. I love you too. 


And that was enough to tell me that God listened. Those simple words made me believe in what He was trying to make me see: With Me, you've been remade. It was only when I completely believed that it is only through and by Him that I can find true happiness that I heard Him because it was only then that I was open to His Will and grace. And whatever things I tried to blame myself for - all those things written on that blackboard and more - didn't matter to God, because His love never changes. His mercy never ends. And I had no right to be angry at Him because it was not Him who turned away. It was me who tried to live my life alone. I was the one who refused to let Him in. But now, I also don't think I have the right to be angry at myself for anything I've done for the past three months, because if He had enough love to forgive me even if I had transgressed greatly, I have absolutely no reason why I should not forgive and love myself - and believe that He will stay by me and lead the way, for His love, presence, and promises are enough to fill my emptiness. 


It was like thinking that you made a mess while painting the wall of your life - you stare at what you've done, and you feel so hopeless and frustrated because you think that you can never undo your mistake. But God tells you to step back, and when you do, you see the marvelous wall He has painted together with you that is your life, and you realize that whatever mess you have done will not stain that beauty. Instead, it completed the balance that is you and God. Humans were never created to be perfect, because there is a God that is to complete us. And as the song says, you are more than whatever burdens you. You will never be unworthy of God's love because He is not a God that was there to be pleased. God existed for us to love and be with all our lives. As Sister Menalia told me, "our God is such a simple God. He doesn't need anything from us. Only ourselves and the best we can offer to Him." 

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to 

I'm far from the end of this journey. In fact, it's only the beginning. I'm just starting to tread on the new path. It's of course, not without fear and presentiments. But at least, I now know that I'm not walking alone. I have Someone to lead the way. I can't force myself to be formed in a mold that isn't mine. I'm God's, and He designed a mold especially for me that I will be made whole in. Someday, in His Will and time. One of the things I have learned throughout this journey is to accept that salvation and conversion are processes that are gradual. I've learned that unless I become patient with myself and with God's Will, I can never become who He wants me to be. The memories of what had happened will always stay in my mind, not as haunting thoughts, but as lessons that will always remind me of God's love and the promise that He will be there with me in the height of my triumph and in the depths of my fall. Life was not only meant to be lived. It was also meant to be lived with Jesus. Our past is part of the journey, but we should never let our salvation be hindered by our fear that because of what has happened, we are already hopeless, and that we would be defined by what our weaknesses and past transgressions. Our hope and new life is in Him. It does not matter where you come from or where you've been. Jesus loves you for who you are. And who are you? You are more.

beautiful verse from Luke 19:10

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.