It's just so surprising how a day could begin so well and end in such a disaster. I woke up so late so I wasn't able to review for my Filipino MQT, but I still managed to tell myself that today might actually be a good day so I still went to school. In the bus though, I've been thinking of the novel that I finished reading yesterday that just left me so depressed, I cannot even... I can't talk about that now. I don't think my eyes could release any more water.
Up until this afternoon, everything's been going fine. We took the NCAE, I fell a sleep for a couple of hours, and I took the Fil MQT which I was just so eager to get over with.
I didn't know where to go after that, but I went to Pamu because I hoped I'd be able to get the script today, but our Moderator's absent. I stayed, anyway. I watched them do the activity, but I was itching to be somewhere else, and I knew I just had to go there to fulfill my day.
And so I went to that place. And there, I found one person that I was actually so certain I'd see. That didn't even bother me. After all, I've seen this scene twice, thrice, ten times over, and I've never been affected.
Then what made me feel so depressed all of a sudden? Oh let's see. She started talking, and the other she started talking. She One left for a while, and so I'm left with She Two. I tried making conversation, but you know how my charm is that of a dead slug so it didn't really go anywhere.
First Blow: She ignored what I was saying. Now, this isn't the first time, and I completely understood it before, but I was making such an effort to tell the story even though I know my character's reputation is at stake, and that this is really something serious that I would want to talk about. I was waiting for the "It's okay." and some other comforting words, because I was really upset by what happened, and she just sat down on her chair and started talking about her own thing. Ouch. What hurt the most was not the fact that she didn't give me her attention, but it's the fact that I actually asked her if she would listen to me in my thirteen-page letter. I had to swallow my pride when I wrote that and that's a really big issue, especially to me, but I remember saying that that was the only thing I could ever ask of her. There was nothing else in that letter that's more painful for me to say but that, because I asked for something. And I do admit that I have this huge ego that has been trying to show everyone and myself that I could do things on my own. Ever since I was three, I was independent. I didn't need anybody else, because I was happy in my own little world. And since the start of the school year, I've been slowly opening my heart to people around me, because I knew that God sent them to me because they have to fulfill something important in my life. She's one of those very few people who I actually don't know, but I completely trusted with who I am, even with the flaws. The reason for that - I wanted her to see that I actually need her. But here's the thing; I just realized that convincing her that I really am weak and that I need someone wouldn't make her know me better. She would comfort and stand by me, of course. But she would do that, not out of love, but of pity. She would do it out of obligation, which she know has a choice of rejecting since I'm not her obligation anymore.
Second Blow: The two of them were closer than the two of us. Now this might be really immature and irrational, but I was hit by it. Why? Because after spending two weeks with her, I was actually so convinced that after it, everything would be different. My stupidity just got the whole of me living with that thing in mind. How foolish can I be to actually believe that something would change? I mean, I have nothing against the person she's close to, but I just can't help asking myself this question over and over again: Am I that forgettable? I know that our so-called journey didn't mean as much to her as it did to me, but there was this little part of me that was expecting that we had this personal relationship with each other, that she knew and understood me. But I was just standing there, in front of the two of them, while they were talking so casually as if they were best friends. That just struck me so hard that I hated myself for being so boring and emotionless. I'm someone who's full of thoughts, ideas, and emotions inside me, but at that moment, I knew that she wouldn't care about those. What hurt more is that she listened to her. Every time that person says something, she would pay attention to each detail, and laugh at each attempt to deliver a punchline. These were stories that were not so extraordinary, and were told just so cheerfully, but that was it. I knew it's a bad thing to compare my relationship with her to theirs, but I was just so hurt by the realization that what we had was so shallow, so meaningless compared to what they have. And this isn't an attempt to put that person down, but I'm just so confused. I know her. This isn't a time to be self-righteous, but I just had to ask God, why not me? I've been someone who's been real to everyone. And I don't believe in the fact that being too good would lead to God's taking you earlier, but she told me that. I know she has something against me that I can see is connected to this, but now that she sees that she's winning, I can see the satisfaction. I was already feeling the tears reaching my eyes, and I knew I had to divert my attention to something. I saw the Bible on the pedestal, and I knew that I had to read it. I need God's Word right now, I told myself. So when I opened it, my eyes immediately found Luke 10:21-24. I could remember it so well because at that moment, it just struck me so hard. I didn't understand it at first, but I tried to look for reflections online, and I shall blog about it later. It's just so amazing what our God could do to make us know what's right.
Third Blow: She didn't mention anything about the letter. It's not that I was expecting something, but if she already read it or even if she hasn't, she should've told me. I'm panicking at that moment, thinking whether she already knows those things that I wrote there. Those weren't just things, but they were things that had so much meaning, and it took me so much of my pride to actually give it to her. I could sit here peacefully now, convincing myself that she hasn't read it and thinking that she might talk to me about it some other time about it. But what if she actually read it? Or even fell asleep while reading it because it was too long? Or she just read it and said to herself that it really isn't anything important and it was just a waste of time, so she just didn't mention it so maybe I could forget it in due time. At that moment, while they were talking to each other, what I really wanted to do was to ask her if I can have the letter back, or snatch it from her desk if it's there, because honestly, after the blows, I just don't think I could give it to her still. Those things in that letter - they were personal, big things that only my mind and God knew before I gave it to her. I've given away part of myself in that letter, and seeing her treat me like that just makes me want to get the letter back, because I feel like it's not worth it anymore.
This whole experience has taught me a lot, but what continues to challenge me is what's after the experience. I don't know how to talk to her or open up to her because I'm afraid that she just might tell it straight to my face that I have no right to feel like I'm special. That's what I'm so scared of hearing, because that would scathe my ego so much, and I don't even know how to fix myself in case that moment happens.
I came up with something just recently. If I want to get things back to how it was before like what she's doing now, I can always free myself from everything by avoiding her and treating her just like any other person on campus. Now that's really hard, but if I really want to make these emotions stop and keep these thoughts away from my brain, I have to do it. There's no other way by which I could detach myself fully without actually removing it from my life. I just have to do this to make everything go back to how it was, when all I worried about was getting my homework done and being a LitCom head, because that really is my reality, and it's going to take me time before I could fully accept it, but if that's what can spare me from all this emotional battles inside me, then I believe that it's the right path to take. Adios.
Up until this afternoon, everything's been going fine. We took the NCAE, I fell a sleep for a couple of hours, and I took the Fil MQT which I was just so eager to get over with.
I didn't know where to go after that, but I went to Pamu because I hoped I'd be able to get the script today, but our Moderator's absent. I stayed, anyway. I watched them do the activity, but I was itching to be somewhere else, and I knew I just had to go there to fulfill my day.
And so I went to that place. And there, I found one person that I was actually so certain I'd see. That didn't even bother me. After all, I've seen this scene twice, thrice, ten times over, and I've never been affected.
Then what made me feel so depressed all of a sudden? Oh let's see. She started talking, and the other she started talking. She One left for a while, and so I'm left with She Two. I tried making conversation, but you know how my charm is that of a dead slug so it didn't really go anywhere.
First Blow: She ignored what I was saying. Now, this isn't the first time, and I completely understood it before, but I was making such an effort to tell the story even though I know my character's reputation is at stake, and that this is really something serious that I would want to talk about. I was waiting for the "It's okay." and some other comforting words, because I was really upset by what happened, and she just sat down on her chair and started talking about her own thing. Ouch. What hurt the most was not the fact that she didn't give me her attention, but it's the fact that I actually asked her if she would listen to me in my thirteen-page letter. I had to swallow my pride when I wrote that and that's a really big issue, especially to me, but I remember saying that that was the only thing I could ever ask of her. There was nothing else in that letter that's more painful for me to say but that, because I asked for something. And I do admit that I have this huge ego that has been trying to show everyone and myself that I could do things on my own. Ever since I was three, I was independent. I didn't need anybody else, because I was happy in my own little world. And since the start of the school year, I've been slowly opening my heart to people around me, because I knew that God sent them to me because they have to fulfill something important in my life. She's one of those very few people who I actually don't know, but I completely trusted with who I am, even with the flaws. The reason for that - I wanted her to see that I actually need her. But here's the thing; I just realized that convincing her that I really am weak and that I need someone wouldn't make her know me better. She would comfort and stand by me, of course. But she would do that, not out of love, but of pity. She would do it out of obligation, which she know has a choice of rejecting since I'm not her obligation anymore.
Second Blow: The two of them were closer than the two of us. Now this might be really immature and irrational, but I was hit by it. Why? Because after spending two weeks with her, I was actually so convinced that after it, everything would be different. My stupidity just got the whole of me living with that thing in mind. How foolish can I be to actually believe that something would change? I mean, I have nothing against the person she's close to, but I just can't help asking myself this question over and over again: Am I that forgettable? I know that our so-called journey didn't mean as much to her as it did to me, but there was this little part of me that was expecting that we had this personal relationship with each other, that she knew and understood me. But I was just standing there, in front of the two of them, while they were talking so casually as if they were best friends. That just struck me so hard that I hated myself for being so boring and emotionless. I'm someone who's full of thoughts, ideas, and emotions inside me, but at that moment, I knew that she wouldn't care about those. What hurt more is that she listened to her. Every time that person says something, she would pay attention to each detail, and laugh at each attempt to deliver a punchline. These were stories that were not so extraordinary, and were told just so cheerfully, but that was it. I knew it's a bad thing to compare my relationship with her to theirs, but I was just so hurt by the realization that what we had was so shallow, so meaningless compared to what they have. And this isn't an attempt to put that person down, but I'm just so confused. I know her. This isn't a time to be self-righteous, but I just had to ask God, why not me? I've been someone who's been real to everyone. And I don't believe in the fact that being too good would lead to God's taking you earlier, but she told me that. I know she has something against me that I can see is connected to this, but now that she sees that she's winning, I can see the satisfaction. I was already feeling the tears reaching my eyes, and I knew I had to divert my attention to something. I saw the Bible on the pedestal, and I knew that I had to read it. I need God's Word right now, I told myself. So when I opened it, my eyes immediately found Luke 10:21-24. I could remember it so well because at that moment, it just struck me so hard. I didn't understand it at first, but I tried to look for reflections online, and I shall blog about it later. It's just so amazing what our God could do to make us know what's right.
Third Blow: She didn't mention anything about the letter. It's not that I was expecting something, but if she already read it or even if she hasn't, she should've told me. I'm panicking at that moment, thinking whether she already knows those things that I wrote there. Those weren't just things, but they were things that had so much meaning, and it took me so much of my pride to actually give it to her. I could sit here peacefully now, convincing myself that she hasn't read it and thinking that she might talk to me about it some other time about it. But what if she actually read it? Or even fell asleep while reading it because it was too long? Or she just read it and said to herself that it really isn't anything important and it was just a waste of time, so she just didn't mention it so maybe I could forget it in due time. At that moment, while they were talking to each other, what I really wanted to do was to ask her if I can have the letter back, or snatch it from her desk if it's there, because honestly, after the blows, I just don't think I could give it to her still. Those things in that letter - they were personal, big things that only my mind and God knew before I gave it to her. I've given away part of myself in that letter, and seeing her treat me like that just makes me want to get the letter back, because I feel like it's not worth it anymore.
This whole experience has taught me a lot, but what continues to challenge me is what's after the experience. I don't know how to talk to her or open up to her because I'm afraid that she just might tell it straight to my face that I have no right to feel like I'm special. That's what I'm so scared of hearing, because that would scathe my ego so much, and I don't even know how to fix myself in case that moment happens.
I came up with something just recently. If I want to get things back to how it was before like what she's doing now, I can always free myself from everything by avoiding her and treating her just like any other person on campus. Now that's really hard, but if I really want to make these emotions stop and keep these thoughts away from my brain, I have to do it. There's no other way by which I could detach myself fully without actually removing it from my life. I just have to do this to make everything go back to how it was, when all I worried about was getting my homework done and being a LitCom head, because that really is my reality, and it's going to take me time before I could fully accept it, but if that's what can spare me from all this emotional battles inside me, then I believe that it's the right path to take. Adios.
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