Surrender

I think I want the old Blogger back. No, not really. This new layout has the white washout feel that just gives the "writing vibe". Well, here I am again, after a day. I have resolved to journal, but since my fingers are more comfortable typing, then I might as well stay on Blogger. 

So I'll be needing you for one more favor and I'm quite sorry that I'm using you for homework and not really as a blog. But not today. I just need to share with you the amazing experience I've had  this past week.

What does it mean to surrender? Weakness? Vulnerability? Giving up? Going down? If you asked me a week ago, then I probably said yes, but now, after a few moments of discernment and a week of blessings, I finally saw the light.

If you know me personally, then maybe you would know what I'm talking about. But in order for you to be able to relate with me, let me just tell you about my journey to that surrendering.

For over a year, I've been trapped in something that I have not yet experienced before. I was innocent and naive, and I can't help being drawn to a flower so perfect. Like Rapunzel's real mother, I craved for that flower, knowing that it's what I need, that it's what would really make me happy. And during those months of waiting for that flower to come my way, well, I've been very inspired and motivated to give so much, expecting that I would get it as a reward.

But after many long months, I finally had a talk with one of the people I really trust, and I told her how important it is to me, but she said that the true concept of letting go and letting God is "not expecting anything from him. It's complete trust. Complete surrender."

Then I began to think about it before I went to bed. Then everything just started to make sense. I was so confused that I was forced to tears but I knew that God always had the answers, so I tried to talk to him, and here is what I have realized from our conversation:

What I assumed to complete me just made me feel more empty as time goes by and I still don't have it. It just doesn't seem right to tell everyone that I have completely trusted God, because in a sense, I still had that doubt, those what ifs that don't seem to go away. Those fears of never being able to take hold of it made me so anxious about the future that I didn't even care of what's in front of me. I was living in the future without living for my future. I grew irresponsible. And because I was too concerned about doing everything to make it happen, I harbored ill-feelings for other people because they seem to get what they want so easily. I was so contemptible that even my thirteen-year old self would hate me if she had seen the way I thought at those moments. My judgment was irrational and every single decision I made was out of whim or my own desire. The inspiration was gone because the motivation I had to get it was not really what it was before. 

And the only way to get out of this hole is to climb my way out of it, even if it'll take weeks, months, years, before I finally succeed in seeing the light in full. It's one of those hardest to do, since I've been holding on to it for a really long time already. I'm that kind of person who would not give up so easily, but I believe the inner battle I fought makes me deserve the surrender. Not because of weakness, but because of God's grace. I realized that I needed no one but Him in those months when I felt lonely and incomplete. Nothing else is greater. Not even the most perfect of all flowers.

In this Game that we called life, I surrendered, but I did not lose. I won more than what the grand prize can ever give me - inner peace. :)

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, 
so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” 
– Joseph Campbell