Befuddled

I just need a big, long hug. I could cry in someone's arms right now. The feeling's horrible, really. Being able to help everyone who needs me, telling them that it's okay and God has His reasons, but telling myself the same things mean nothing. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to. I don't know. My life is so messed up now, I barely even know where I'm going from here.Crazy day it was. Really crazy. I felt like a broken clock, sometimes working, sometimes malfunctioning, with one hand idle and the other moving. I just can't go on like this anymore. I've been broken for almost two years and I only realized it now that I'm not yet fixed, that no matter how hard I try, I always feel alone and inferior. I don't think I ever believed in myself fully for the past two years. I've always hated competition because it always reminded me that I'm on the weaker side. Every time. Even though I'm prepared, I never trusted myself to give a good show. I'm still imprisoned in that rock. I have to break away from it but I can't do it. I'm not even courageous enough to try and conquer a single fear I have. Pretending to be strong is normal, but pretending to be someone I'm not just to stay on the safe side sucks. Big time. I never try to be who I used to be, even though I know she was better than what I am, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. It's no one's fault, though. I just handled the situations wrong and the impact just lasted that it's been a part of me since.

And now, these conflicting crises in my life just made it worse. I wanted something but I knew someone else deserves it, even if I know I'd do everything to get it. I want to do something for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid it's not what I need. And if something is really destined for me, then screw you, destiny, because I don't believe in you. Nothing was set for me because I still have to make those choices. And now, I'm afraid of the time when I have to, because I'm not really sure if I would really want to walk on that path. My future's being dictated by a single choice makes me want to curl up in bed in those months when we have to fill up college application forms.

I believe it's time for change, too. Not the cliche make a difference kind of change. I think my lifestyle needs rearranging, and there's no better time to do it but now. I've been promising myself this, but until I transcribe it on a stone pillar (aka this blog), I don't think I'm really going to do it because of my see it-do it tradition. Well, I shouldn't be wasting time ranting if I could change my life here and now. 

If no one really is available to fix me, if everyone's busy with their own lives and maybe God has other plans for me, then I'll happily fix myself. I know it'll take a longer time than if I had someone with me on this journey, but I think I would find it more beautiful to look back on this when I grow up, knowing that it's one of the hardest things to do, and hopefully, I do arrive at the finish line whole and better. 

There. Let the Games begin.

*currently obsessed with The Hunger Games trilogy. Bear with me. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

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Jesus is great, forever. "Who am I" just made it all better. I'm really thankful that He led me to post the YouTube link below. God is amazing. I don't need anyone to love. I can give Jesus all the love in the world I can ever give. No, I'm not considering being a Sister. A life offered to Him? Better. :)